soaking me as deeply
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Akira's scattered thoughts make him contradict himself. What he says and what he does have become two very distinct selves that are fighting one another.


Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Title: soaking me as deeply.  
Pairing: Akira + Hikaru  
Rating: pg-13  
Description: Akira's scattered thoughts make him contradict himself. What he says and what he does have become two very distinct selves that are fighting one another.

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go and ****"****Simple and Clean****" ****aren****'****t mine.**

"When we are older you'll understand  
What I meant when I said 'No,  
I don't think life is quite that simple.'"

He caught me singing this very verse and waited for me to finish.

I stopped singing and we looked one another for a long time. Then, I avoided his eyes as I bowed my head to start our mock match. "Onegaishimasu."  
He sighed at me.

It was the first time I saw him honestly frown at me in disappointment.

I hated myself for it.

**soaking me as deeply.  
By miyamoto yui**

When I wake up every morning, the first thing I see is Shindou Hikaru. No, I wish I woke up next to him.

There was one time in which I did, though.

In a drunken state, he was so depressed over his loss that I ended up taking him to my apartment. He passed out at the door and I had to carry him in and into my bed. I called his parents to let them know where he was.  
And as I changed for bed, I came back to my room to find him in a very suggestive position. His mismatched hair falling in uneven colored patches around his face while his profile faced me. One hand touched his forehead while the other was slightly over his chin. His shirt was a half-buttoned, white blouse and the rest of his body snuggled over one of my blue pillows.  
He looked like he was drowning in the sea of dark blue linen. And all I could do was watch, unable to move closer or to leave the way I came.

In the end, I chose to go up next to him to put a blanket over him. Knowing him, he'd probably catch a cold sleeping like that and then I wouldn't be able to stand not seeing him for even more days than I already did.  
As I leaned over to put the blanket over him, he turned over and blinked his eyes. In alarm, I pulled away, but he reached out to me and cupped his hand over mine heavily. "Touya, aren't you coming to bed with me?"  
I closed my eyes as I tried not to twitch in annoyance. This could have been anyone. I just happened to be there…

"Don't be stupid," I scolded as I pulled my hand away.  
My hair brushed against my face as if wanting to scratch it. This was probably the depth of my lie: so thin, yet so transparent.  
But at that moment, he began to hold his head and crunched up his eyes. "Everything's spinning. I'm so dizzy…"

Unable to take his suffering, of course I reached out to help him. I put my hands over his as his shaking body only slightly shivered in a matter of a few minutes. I sat down on the bed.  
"Touya, everything's spinning…Oh, I'm so dizzy…" he groaned. "Please help me. Don't leave me…"

At that moment, I sighed deeply and slipped onto the bed next to him. "I'm here."

I held onto him with both of my arms while burying my head onto his shoulder as the blanket covered us. He pulled on my arms and pressed his warm lips towards my hands. Then, he held me tightly as I embraced him from behind.

My heart was beating so fast that I hoped he wouldn't feel it. It was always Hikaru that made me feel this way. He always made me feel so powerless no matter how much I planned or how well-prepared I tried to make myself be in most situations.

"Thank you." he whispered softly. "It's going away, Akira."

I opened my eyes a bit. This was the first time he called me by my first name ever since we'd known each other. And it had been almost seven years.

I enjoyed the night and didn't sleep a wink until the dawn came. I kept on waking myself up to make sure it was real. This was the only opportunity I would have and I savored it for as long as I could.

I remembered everything. The way the curtains looked at different times of the night as more and more light came into the room and me not wanting it to ever come; The deep breathing from Hikaru's mouth as he slept peacefully like the child he was; The way I felt as if my whole body cried out sorrowfully for him, but I couldn't do anything about it.

You could be so close and yet be so completely far away at the same time.

Who did you miss while in this morning of darkness when the person you thought about all this time was right there? The feelings only became stronger within the absence of his presence in this room.

And I remember, most of all, that I woke up that morning and had to pretend as if nothing had ever happened. As if he only slept in my room and I had slept in the front.

Now, all I see is a photograph of him smiling at the camera. It is a newspaper article mounted onto a photo frame. I don't even bother to get a snapshot because I'm too embarrassed to ask or to tell. I don't know if it's pride or if it's something I'm unwilling to accept.

Nevertheless, he is motionless in a moment of time.  
I am capable of keeping him in one place in this state. As delusional as it may seem, I am comforted by this sad thought. It is the only thing I understand: He always eludes me like pieces of sand creeping through the crevices of my fingers. It is so fine and beautiful, but it always slips away.

He is always out of my grasps.

He is everywhere, but within my realm, he is entirely nowhere. I can't touch him and I can't see him, but he is always there haunting me with his aura.

I guess I like torturing myself. I think about him all the time. It is to the point that I cannot breathe anymore.

Another lonely day begins.

From one small incident, a multitude of feelings passed through me. And now, I am here standing at the edge wondering what to do with myself. But with each passing day, I know I am falling deeper into Hikaru, going out of my mind over it even if he doesn't know anything of it, and I am losing him to everything else around me.

As I open the curtains of my room, I stare out and sigh. It is cloudy and it looks like it will be a very cold day.

It is times like these that I wish the sky would make up its mind. I hate these in-between kind of days in which it looks like the clouds will cry but are fighting against this option that they have. Instead, they make people think they will when perhaps they are pushing themselves not to in the end.

Regardless, I look at the sky and hope that it will cheer up.

I step away from the window and begin my daily routine. But after breakfast, I look at the pile of books for my self-study sessions and I shake my head.  
I don't want to do anything with Go or school. Today, I just want to run away.

On the outside, it is unlike me. But knowing myself, it is something that I do quite often when I need time to distract myself from all the responsibilities and all the things I think of.

In the end, I put on a burgundy scarf and a black overcoat. I close my door and I go downtown to look for a birthday present for Hikaru. I'll slip it to him as if it is nothing. After all, why would I want to betray myself?

In books, especially manga, these things happen so easily. There's always someone to save you. There is always someone who loves you. There is always something that yo' ll fight for and it turns out all right in the end.

Now, people wonder why I like reading books and such.

Because here, in this world, things are not so clean and easy as that. Knowing what you want and getting them are two totally different things.

In fact, at certain times, they are in opposition to one another.

As a child, I thought that things could be attained if you worked hard for them. Everything came with time and effort. Having grown up a little, I have found that this isn't always the case. In fact, there are instances in which you must work against what you wanted to walk towards. In order to save yourself from some aspect of life, people, yourself, or other, you take a route that you know holds results in which you're not in favor of, but must accept.

And like this very moment, when I am trying my best to run away from myself, I have obligations to fulfill. They overwhelm me to the point that I cannot take a break, but nonetheless, I must administer myself to them with all my concentration and all of my being, or I will be extremely guilty at having not tried my best.  
So, I find my feet taking me to a private café where a man introduces himself to me with a bow as I am taken over to the booth at the corner where he sits. The gloomy sky is a reflection of the fog that slowly takes the city captive in its cold embraces.  
I stare out the window for a second longer when the man smiles and asks me if it was hard to come here. I shake my head and politely answer no.

I hate myself for becoming fake like this. Is it all to save face or is it the way I really feel about everything?

When my coffee and croissant come, we start the interview. Ever since Hikaru and I have become celebrities in our own little country and for a game that only few were into, we've been bombarded with things of this sort. It is quite troublesome. I almost think it goes against my philosophy of playing in the first place.  
It is not that each of these people disrespects me. No, I am quite flattered by their admiration and I feel quite humbled by it, but all that matters to me is the unknown future that I can't quite seize between my hands.

It is ironic that I play a game that depends on the core concept of "the future". The one who is declared the winner is the one who has thought much farther than his or her opponent. Why are these aspects that come so easily to me in a game are not crossing over into other dimensions of my life?

Is it because I like everything in their place? Is it because things are clean and uncomplicated on a Go board? You can go "all out" because that's the name of the best strategy?

And yet, I know, it is nothing. Have I learned nothing but how to discipline myself all these years?  
Even to the point of self-denial of what I really want? Or of what I think I want?

As I nod at him and keep a grin up until my face hurts, I am cordial as can be. I soon answer the questions without thinking too hard about them. They're pre-set in my brain already. No one gives me a question that makes me think these days or I push myself away from them so that I can relax in between my occasional slips into total and utter silence, even in my head. I also do not refer to my interviewer's name at all.  
I know that I'll forget it as soon as he gets up to leave me when the show's over. I've been doing this all my life.

I forget people who don't matter to me. It's too much to process and remember things when they are good in passing, but overall, are useless in your life.

I've got to learn to warm up just a little…  
…so that people will know I care just a bit…  
…because I really do. But I'm awkward in showing it through actions or saying it in words.

So what am I supposed to do?

But going deeper into my daydreaming, I picture Hikaru lying on my bed and I'm kissing him from above. I can't believe I'm actually thinking of something like this.

As I try to separate our sticky bodies-

Then, his last question, "And can I ask you this question? It is my question to you and not the magazine's, but could you answer it? If you don't want to, it is all right."  
"Please tell me the question and then I will decide."  
I fold my hands onto the table while the waiter brings me a refill for my coffee. As I put sugar and cream into my cup, I look up as he tells me, "As a Go player, how do you see yourself?"  
"What exactly do you mean?"  
"If you were a kid again and you had to draw yourself as a Go player, what would your picture look like?"  
I am taken aback. After taking a sip of my coffee, I blink at him and then I lean back in my chair. I cross my arms and then I lean forward again to take another sip.

I try to feign composure. It seems to be working.

"That's…a really good question."  
And for the first time since I've been doing these interviews (since I was little), I'm stumped and impressed. I am so interested in responding that I don't even say that I'm happy with his question and I just dive right into it.  
It is also the first time I've smiled so sincerely at someone who's interviewed me.

No one but Hikaru has ever tried to figure me out as me…  
…or asks my opinion on what I truly feel and think.

_/"__Can__'__t you just be yourself?__"__  
__"__What do you mean by that?__" __I laughed flatly as the notes in my voice become uniform and drift off to silence. "I'm always myself.__"__  
__"__The real you's in the Go game. And the person you seek inside of me isn__'__t there any longer, Touya.__"__  
He shakes his head as he cups his right hand under my chin so that I__'__ll look at him straight in the eye, something I rarely do when I am too close to him. I feel my blood rush to my head as it makes my cheeks warm. His touch is hot and fiery. Almost like he wants to kill me._

_His feelings hurt me.  
And I hurt his./_

I look at the interviewer and answer, "I'm a gardener."  
I glance down at the table and smile a bit. Then, I lift up my eyes again to look into his eyes. "Yes, I am a gardener."  
He no longer writes in his small notebook. He listens so attentively that I can't believe he's actually listening to me with everything he's got. "Why a gardener?"

"Because it's a never-ending process of growth. Just because I have the tools and have been doing it for a long time, that doesn't mean I know everything. I'm just trying to foster this love and admiration I have for something that always shapes my life.  
"I don't know as much as I'd like and I'm still learning, but as long as I try my best, it will turn out all right. In the end, I think, I will be fine."

My own words ring in my ears.

I don't think I've heard myself say these thoughts aloud to myself before, so it is strange. When no one talked to me at school because they thought I was a show off, I thought, "I will be fine." When I locked myself in my room and realized that I wasn't like other children who played games with one another after school, I thought, "I will be fine." When I looked at Shindou Hikaru while he stared back at me with those unbreathable eyes and that scalding touch that left its mark in me and my memories, even then, I tried to convince myself with that thought:

"I will be fine."

The interviewer thanks me and I actually hold out my hand to him. He blinks at me in surprise and grins widely as we get up from the table. After we bow to one another, we go our separate ways.

As I pass by my father's Go Salon, I stop to look up at the sign and the familiar floor. I put my hands into my pockets. I don't want to make an appearance for today. I think I'll be disappointed if I don't find him there today, of all days.

And so, I turn away and head across town to another building, one that the Go Institute sponsors, and I stand in front of a class. Instead of adults staring at me, I am looking at a lot of innocent faces that try my patience for about an hour or two each time I see them. But I want to feel their vigor as I begin to teach and coach this small class about Go, a game that governs the rules of my life.

They always ask me questions and pull on my sleeves. Maybe I've found myself quite different than what I am accustomed to. The students and their parents always say to me that I am kind even though the world likes to say I'm unemotional and stoic except when I play.  
Furthermore, people call my method a bit unorthodox and unruly. "It is so unlike you to be untraditional, especially in this setting, Touya-kun," someone once told me as he saw the several rows of children talking to one another vigorously as well as those that tugged on my sleeve for help.  
"I am their friend. In this room, I am their guide. I'm not telling them how to play because they already know how to. I'm just teaching the rules that they should know in order to try to their best at all times."

To know the rules and break them.

To not grow up doing only defensive moves, like the one named Ochi. Even though I respect people and their styles, his was one of those that I could not help but become inwardly upset at.

Why the damn do you play if you only care about territory?!

If only he'd learn to harness his skill rather than focus on the numbers.

But as with everything, at one point or another, we all get absorbed by details…

Today, as class is ending, I watch them play each of their matches. There are two boys that are bickering and I raise a hand to my mouth because it reminds me of you-know-who and myself.  
"You're supposed to do this!"  
"Well, if you only did this~!"  
"If it were Touya-sensei, he'd do this!"  
"If it were Shindou-sama, then he'd play this against that! HA~!"

I want to stop them. I really do, but I am trying to stop my laughter. In the end, I don't even try because I simply can't find myself interrupting their game like that. Besides, they need to work that out between themselves and as long as they're not getting into trouble.

But people are fighting about us too, Shindou.

I laugh to myself as soon as the last student waves goodbye to me. I pick up after them and continue to repeat their words in my ears. I shake my head as I stand up and look out towards the direction of the window. It seems so dark.

"What are you laughing about?"  
I turn my head to find Hikaru at the doorway with his arms folded and his weight leaning to his right.

Without thinking, I answer, "Two kids were debating who's the better player between us. That's why I'm laughing."  
"Ohh…" Hikaru says as he pushes himself off and walks over to me. He sits on one of the tables and looks straight at me. He's blocked my way from going to either side for a sanctuary.

Devilishly, he grins at me. "Then how about a game?"  
I pout as I look at him.

He is too close to me…I can't take this.

"I don't think I'm up to it today. I really am tired."

Of not only today. By everything.  
Just everything.

Then, as I look into his eyes, all the things I have been thinking and feeling, both clean and unclean, come crashing into my mind from different sides and dimensions that I feel twice as overwhelmed. Being faced with him right in front of me, my honesty can't atone for the fact that I am frustrated and angry with myself for being the way I am.

I am always quiet about what I really want.

But I could feel myself wanting to lose control.

And I do. I give him an annoyed and exacting look.  
"Please leave me alone. I don't think I can deal with you right now."  
"What the hell brought this mood swing?" he blinks at me and his smile turns upside down.

He is still blocking my way.

Firmly putting my hands on top of his, my heart is beating so fast I don't know if I can take all of this at the same time.

"Don't you get it, baka?! Whenever I think about you, I immediately drift and lose all sense of reality or time. I'm so absorbed with trying to find a way to hold you that I forget to breathe. I only remember once I find that my chest has become really tight from no air coming in.  
"All I want to do is make you look at me. To make you not hate me for feeling this much about you. If you saw how much I thought of you each day or how much I care for you, you'd probably get scared. I'm scared. And I'm crumbling inside.  
"I keep on smiling at the cameras, the interviews, my parents, school…everything. But I know that that single fact cannot be erased."

I take a deep breath as his lips open out of shock, not wanting to say anything but to force himself to breathe. He has to take time to truly process everything.

We both want to pull away. We both stay the way we are at that very moment.

In all seriousness, I look deeply into his eyes. I am more determined than when I place my Go piece on the board with such firmness that some of my opponents are startled by my passion and ambitiousness. It overtakes them and they begin to lose their concentration.

Firmly, my voice says as I grip onto his hands with a slight shaking of nervousness, I find myself saying what I thought I'd never say to anyone. Especially to you.

Yes, especially to you.

"I want you. I want you like I've never wanted anyone before. Playing Go doesn't even come close."

Without flinching or blinking, I turn red and feel more of my blood rushing to my head making me dizzy and incomprehensible to myself. My words are spilling out in gushes.

"I even found myself wanting to desecrate it if I can pin your wrists on it."

He clenches his fists a bit under my hands. He looks away from me. I don't know if he's ashamed or embarrassed to hear me say such things. Or if he expected it at all, good or bad?

Lastly, I finish, "I don't care anymore. I'm losing my mind over you."  
I look down at the ground, in the end, unable to see what his answer to me will be.

This overwhelming guilt. Will my parents be disappointed? Will they hate me for becoming something we've discussed and I've flat out said that I wasn't? What will they do?

And it all comes back to…  
…who do I love more: you or them?

But that isn't answerable, now is it?

In the end, I am not a coward. I look up when he whispers my name affectionately, "Akira…"  
We lock on each other again. My blood is pulsating through my veins and I hold onto him not wanting to let his hands go. I almost want to take him here and now even though I don't know what the heck I should do.

As he is about to answer me, I hold my breath. I'm more relieved of the fact that it's all out. I don't have to carry my feelings alone.

"What I want to say is-"

"Touya."  
I immediately open my eyes to find someone patting my shoulder gently and calling into my ear with a gentleness that seems so intimate that my ears want to turn red.

I realize that while cleaning my desk, I fell asleep while chuckling quietly to myself. My eyes find themselves looking up to Hikaru in shock. "What are you doing here?"  
"I wanted to check out how your class was going, but you were sleeping on your desk and no one was here."  
"Oh, we leave early on Wednesdays," I absentmindedly answer while lifting up my head from my desk, ashamed at showing how tired I was.  
"Are you okay?" Hikaru says as he reaches out his hand to touch my forehead as if it is the most natural thing for him to touch me. "The Touya I know wouldn't fall asleep, unless…"

He puts his chin on the desk to look straight into my eyes. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"  
"I'm fine," I deny as I push myself out of my seat and begin to clean up the room and close the windows because it looks like it's going to rain even though it's summer and it's only six at night.  
He helps me close windows and fixes up the classroom.

"You don't have to help me," I say to him.  
"You really hate being in the same room as me, don't you?" Hikaru stands straight up and doesn't even turn his head or blink his eyes as he says this to me.  
I can't believe my ears? Did I hear him correctly?

H-hate?! HATE?! Where the hell does he get this stuff? You really are so stupid, Hikaru!

Before I know it, I reach out to him. I put my hand softly on the top of his head and feel the softness of his hair as it tingles my fingers. I'm nervous, but I laugh. I blink my eyes slowly and smile at him. "I far from hate you. You're my best friend, aren't you?"

Cut deeply. My heart bleeds before me and I hold it out only to take it back once more.

Once again, I try to convince myself that this is true. That I should stop the way I feel for him because I don't know how he'd answer me or what I'd say to anyone around us. Am I strong enough to fight for it?

Am I strong enough to fight for you, Hikaru?

I take my hand away before I become too familiar with this feeling sinking between him and myself.  
In silence, we finish cleaning the room and then I flick off the light when we leave.

We're about to walk in different directions, but I blurt out before he leaves my side, "Why did you come here?"  
"For you, of course." He smiles at me as he shakes his head, embarrassed at my stupidity.

It is a multi-layered answer, but I know that he doesn't think about stuff that deeply. The only thing he knows is how to say what's on his mind, whether or not it's appropriate. As long as it's honest and true to himself, he'll say it loud and clear to you.

That's what Shindou Hikaru is. Well, to me.  
And that's why I cling onto him with all my strength.

The foggy sky becomes a bit darker.  
"Me?" I point at myself, a bit daunted.  
"If I don't watch you, you won't take care of yourself..." He leans forward and our faces are only one inch apart. He looks straight at me. "…now will you, Akira?"  
When he turns around, he grabs my hand and firmly holds it for five seconds. Then, he lets go just as quickly.

Without another word, he walks away from me. I stand there for a little longer.

The rain suddenly falls in a matter of seconds and he's disappearing into it.

My heart is breaking at my own stupidity and it's overflowing with all the things I couldn't ever say to anyone, especially to you, most of all, Hikaru.

For everything that was so hard to do, you may think it's the stupidest thing in the world, but just thinking of you made me instantly become so peaceful inside. And I will never forget this feeling I have deep inside of me.

The drive to move forward was what brought you to me. What made me truly keep walking forward was the thought of you next to me. That's all it took. No one knows this power you have that's yours and yours alone.

And I don't want anyone else to know.

I'm not a strong person. I am not invincible no matter what that wall may appear to look like…

And no matter how many times I try to look away from you,  
when I look into your eyes,

I know it's there. And it grows each day, with or without you…

"Hikaru!" I shout out to him, but he does not hear me.

Finally, the skies cry louder and there are tears also falling out of me.

Someday…  
Someday in the future, I'll be able to say it to you. And there won't be anything to block my way.

I won't stop myself from grabbing onto my happiness.

That will be the day that I will hold onto you so tightly that you won't be able to escape no matter how much you'll try. I'll know all the rules and then I'll break every one of them to get to you, Shindou Hikaru.

But until then, I must fight alone against the world, within the boundaries of my mind and the depths of my heart that yearn for you through and through...

…soaking me as deeply as this rain that washes me,  
in and out of myself.

**Owari./The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** I don't know why, but it occurred to me that I wanted to do Akira for today. Plus, I had to write things out because I had to.  
**  
September 14****th****, 2004**


End file.
